Goodbye
by Namls
Summary: Merry tries to say goodbye to Estella before he leaves the Shire. Set in early FotR.


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Author's Note: To avoid confusion, this story has nothing to do with the "Each Passing Year" series. I have about thirty different versions in my head of the relationships between Merry/Estella and Pippin/Diamond, all quite different, and this is part of one of them. In this story, there was something going on between Merry and Estella before the War. I won't say much more than that, this story is not a huge declaration-of-love piece but more an attempt to show the more subtle feelings between the two when their relationship is new. Now I'm done talking :)

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Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the settings! I own practically nothing :)

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The night was in a strange way both cold and warm at the same time as Estella mounted her pony and trotted off with a food basket in front of her. It was still quite early but it seemed darker than usual, almost as if the clock above the kitchen table was two hours slow. She almost wished she would have brought a scarf with her, but the scent of the warm food in her basket warmed her up. She almost wished she could munch from it on her way, but the food was not meant for her.

She had never been to Crickhollow before, but it seemed easy to find. She wondered if the lads were hungry. Surely they were. Even if they had just had supper, they would always find room for something more to eat. Hopefully they would leave some for her, or better yet, invite her to join them.

Crickhollow seemed dark, for a minute she almost wondered if she had come to the right place. But then she saw a candle being lit in one of the windows and she recognised her brother Fatty's face. She jumped off her pony and tied him up before she grabbed the basket on his back. She paused for a moment before walking up to the house, wondering how happy they would be to see her. The food would be greeted with joy no doubt, but her presence might not be as desired. At least not by Fatty, who still saw her as his annoying little sister even though they were both over 33 now. Merry on the other hand…

She blushed in the darkness when she thought of him. She had always admired her brother's handsome friend, who had a serenity and a seriousness about him which she had always looked up to. He had always seemed so much older than Fatty, yet so young when joking around with his friends. And when he had held her close at a party in early spring this year she had felt like never before. She had felt so safe in his arms, protected by his maturity and his still relatively fit physics, so unlike her chubby brother Fatty's or most of the lads he was friends with. When Merry had held her she had wanted to stay in his arms for the rest of her days, dancing with him under the moonlight. It hadn't mattered that it was cold out, she hadn't noticed, and it hadn't mattered that it was dark and even the lights from the lanterns made it difficult to see him. She had **felt** him, and that was enough for her.

Merry had been her companion on most parties since then. He had given her his first dance and his last at every gathering, or was it she who had given that to him? They had dined together and chatted together, getting to know each other better than they had before. They had taken walks together a few times as well, but Merry seemed to be held back by Fatty's obvious discomfort with seeing his good friend with his annoying sister, and it had been over a month now since their last walk.

Her cheeks got redder when she realised that this would be the first time in a long time that she would see him and be able to talk to him when they weren't at a party. Whenever he'd come to visit her home in the past couple of months she had only seen glimpses of him as he and Fatty had disappeared to discuss Frodo Baggins' plans to move to Buckland. She wondered if he would be happy to see her and suddenly felt a bit nervous in case he didn't wish to see her.

She realised that the food in her basket would get cold soon if she continued to stand out there and ponder, so she walked up to the door and knocked. She could hear the sounds of furniture moving around inside, Fatty and Merry were moving Frodo's furniture into place. They had arrived with all of his furniture now and were trying to set everything into place before the new owner of Crickhollow came home.

She realised that they probably hadn't heard her knocking, so she opened the door and stepped inside. She couldn't see neither Fatty nor Merry in the room she had entered, they must be somewhere else in the house. She put the basket down and hung her light cape over a lamp standing in a corner, waiting to be placed in its new spot. She could hear voices approaching and she lifted up the basket, ready to surprise the two with her basket. The voices came closer, but then the lads must have stopped since she could still hear them but they hadn't entered the room she was in. She walked across the room, zigzagging her way through boxes and chairs and more boxes, looking for a kitchen table but not finding it.

"… be here in a few days" she heard Merry say.

"Everything has to be ready by then" her brother answered.

"It will be."

"It seems like an awful waste of effort" her cranky brother whined. "All this work with putting everything in place, just like it stood at Bag End – and you're leaving right away! Are you sure you won't stay for a few days at least?"

Estella sharpened her ears and put the basket down on top of some boxes.

"It think Frodo will want to leave as soon as possible" she heard Merry say. From the strain on his voice she could tell that he was lifting something from the floor.

"I'm glad I don't have to go" Fatty said.

"I don't envy you" Merry replied.

The two walked into the room, stopping dead in their tracks when they saw Estella. Merry nearly dropped the box he was carrying. Estella quickly smiled and lifted the blanket from her basket, letting the wonderful scent of the food fill the room.

"I knocked, but you didn't hear me" she said. "I brought you some food, mother sent me… She thought you two might be hungry!"

Merry quickly recovered from his initial shock and put down his box.

"Hungry! We're starving!" he grinned, doing a good job of pretending like he hadn't just been overheard saying something nobody should hear him say. "How kind of your mother, be sure to send her my thank yous!"

Fatty was still looking shocked, and gave Merry a panicked expression which was completely ignored. Merry successfully managed to act as if he wasn't the least bit shocked or irritated by Estella's sudden appearance and stuck his nose in the basket to see what goodies were packed. Then he looked up at Fatty.

"Don't just stand there!" he said. "Go find the plates, they should be here somewhere!"

"Mother sent plates" Estella said. "And glasses. And forks and knives."

Finally Fatty reacted.

"Wonderful!" he said and grinned. "Hurry up Merry, you slow poke, I can't wait to get something to eat!"

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"You'd best be heading home now" Fatty said to his sister, glancing at the clock hanging on the wall. He didn't want her around any longer than he had to, and it was getting darker and colder outside.

Estella glanced at the plates and empty trays lying all over the table. The lads had eaten as if they'd never seen food before, and barely left anything at all to her. She had wanted to ask them during the meal what they had been talking about, but somehow she hadn't dared. Fatty would only get mad if he'd known she'd overheard.

She rose and began packing everything back into the basket. Fatty and Merry helped out the best they could by finishing off any possible leftovers on the plates, and Merry told her for the seventh time to thank her mother so very much.

"I'll follow you out" he said when she headed for the door, ignoring the annoyed look Fatty gave him. "I'll hold your pony for you while you mount."

"She doesn't need anyone to hold her pony" Fatty pointed out.

"It's hard to get up on a pony's back when you've got a basket in one hand" Merry said, and left Fatty alone by the table.

The cold air met them when they stepped outside and Merry recoiled for a bit before he chuckled.

"I didn't expect it to be quite so cold!" he said.

"Neither did I" Estella said.

Merry followed her to her pony and she put her basket down. But before she could get up in the saddle he grabbed her arm.

"Come" he said. "Walk with me for a bit…"

Gladly she followed him as he slowly walked across the pastures. He held his hands in his pockets to keep them warm and seemed preoccupied with something. She didn't know it, but he was trying to figure out what to say to her. He knew that he would leave soon, and that this was to be goodbye, and he wanted to say goodbye to her but how did he do so without letting her know that it was actually goodbye? His silence confused her.

"Are we just going to walk?" she asked him.

"It seems like it" he said meekly. "I… I think that's all I need."

"To get away from Fatty?"

"To walk with you. It's been some time now."

She nodded in the dark. The moon had just come out so they could see each other better now. She could see the preoccupied look in his face. He knew he would miss walking with her, miss all the ordinary, everyday things in the Shire. And he wished he could talk to her about it but he couldn't. He longed for Frodo and Pippin's arrival, he could talk to them, to Pippin especially since Frodo did not yet know that his cousins were coming along.

"I… I have a confession to make" Estella said and stared down on the ground, afraid to meet his eyes. "I overheard you and Fatty earlier. I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"What did you hear?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

"You said you were leaving" she said. They stopped and turned to look at each other. "Leaving where?"

"Leaving Crickhollow" he said. "I won't stay here forever!"

"You said Frodo was leaving too!"

Merry held his breath and wondered if he was trapped, or if there was still a way out of this. Luckily Estella didn't seem very interested in where he was going, she was caught up on the fact that he was leaving at all.

"Merry why are you leaving? I don't like the sound of it… it scares me! I don't want you to get into any trouble!"

"Come on Estella, you know me!" Merry said, sounding as calm as always. "Do I get myself into trouble?"

"No…" she admitted. "But I have a bad feeling about this."

They started walking back.

"You make it sound as if I'm going to jump into the Brandywine" Merry said.

"I just don't want you to be hurt. I love you. I want you to be careful!"

Merry's eyes widened at the three little words she'd said.

"What did you just say?"

But Estella didn't repeat them.

"You must promise me that you will be careful!" she said. "Promise me that you're not leaving, that you're not going anywhere!"

"Come back tomorrow and you'll see that I am still here."

"**Promise** me!" she said. "Promise that you're not leaving! That you won't get hurt!"

Merry looked down, avoiding her eyes. He knew he could not give her such a promise, he had to leave the Shire with Frodo. He had to, there was no other alternative for him anymore. And truth be told he didn't want any other alternatives, he could not sit still in the Shire and let his best friend head off into unknown dangers with only his foolish gardener to aid him.

But at the same time he knew he could not let her know what was really happening. Everything depended on the secret being safe for as long as possible, he could not let her in on what was going on. He could not betray his friends like that. He knew he had to choose between two evils, and he found the lesser.

"I promise" he mumbled. "I'll be careful."

"And you won't leave?"

"No."

"I'm glad" she said, sounding truly relieved.

Merry wished he could bite his own tongue off. This was not the kind of secret goodbye he'd had in mind. He believed in telling the truth, and now he had just lied to the lass he cared for, the lass who had moments ago said that she loved him. It was possible that he would never see her again, yet he had lied to her.

They reached her pony and stopped. Soon they would part, but only he knew that it might be for good. She would get up on her pony and ride off to her safe home, he would go inside and meet the annoyance of her older brother who didn't approve of their deepening relationship. And in a few days time he would leave the Shire, possibly never to return. All the excitement he had felt over the upcoming adventure seemed gone.

He put his arms around her waist and drew her close, knowing he had one more thing to take care of.

"You won't say anything, will you?" he asked. "About me talking about leaving? It would only upset people, my father especially."

"I promise" she whispered.

When they kissed, only Merry knew that they were not merely kissing each other goodnight. They were kissing each other goodbye.

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Estella shivered even though she was sitting by the warm fireplace. She stared blankly into thin air. Every minute felt like an eternity. It had felt that way since she had found out that Merry had left.

Two days had passed since that horrible night when Master Saradoc's horn cry had woken everyone. At first she hadn't been able to think of anything else than the fear of the upcoming attack, but when it had turned out the hostile strangers had left she had calmed down. And that's when she'd heard that there were four Hobbits missing. And one of them was Merry.

Popular belief was that they were dead. The strangers had killed them and spared Fatty's life out of some strange coincidence or act of speed on Fatty's behalf, a thought which Estella found ridiculous. Others said that they had kidnapped the four missing ones and that Fatty had hidden and escaped that way. Either way four Hobbits were gone and assumed dead.

It was a great tragedy by all accounts. Saradoc Brandybuck had only one child, his son Meriadoc, Estella's dear Merry, who was among the missing. Paladin Took had only one son, Peregrin, who was also gone. The Master and the Thain now stood without an heir, it was one of the greatest tragedies they had seen, suddenly there were no sons to take over their fathers' offices. And to add to that Frodo Baggins was gone, so soon after his return to Buckland, and along with him had his gardener Samwise Gamgee gone missing. It was in truth a tragedy.

Saradoc Brandybuck however refused to believe that his only child was dead. He was confident that Merry could survive the attack of the strangers, he was clever enough. Especially if a sluggard like Fatty Bolger had survived he had told his brother-in-law Paladin, though he wouldn't repeat it in public. He had managed to persuade the Thain into gathering the shriffs to search for the missing foursome, but they hadn't found any trace of them so far.

At first Estella had thought them to be dead too, until she had overheard some Hobbits discussing her brother who had quickly gone from being considered a hero to being considered crazy. Fatty had claimed that he had been the only one at Crickhollow during the attack, realising that there was no meaning in pretending anymore. The Black Riders knew that Frodo had gone, he would no longer have to keep it a secret. But nobody had believed him when he'd said that the four missing Hobbits had left on their own a few days earlier. Saradoc had only scoffed and told him that his son was far too responsible to just take off without saying as much as a word to his father. But when Estella had heard, she had known.

The first few moments of overwhelming joy over the realisation that Merry was alive soon gave way to a more painful realisation. Merry had lied to her. She had suddenly felt as numb as if she had learned that he was dead, she had gotten up on her pony and ridden home, feeling completely empty inside. It wasn't until she had sat down where she was now sitting that she allowed herself to think of it again.

Merry had lied. He had made a promise to her and he had broken it. He had promised her that he would not leave, yet now he had left. The realisation that he had broken his promise hurt more than she could have imagined, she would never have expected something like that from him. She was used to being able to trust people, she had never encountered a broken promise before, and to experience it for the first time from someone she cared so much for was painful.

She was still sitting there, trying to come to terms with her realisation, when Fatty came home. He had been at Brandy Hall until now, when Saradoc had finally decided that he was no use in the search and sent him home.

She looked up and met his tired eyes, and for the first time in years he didn't seem annoyed with her. Instead he seemed compassionate, it was as if now that Merry was gone he could more easily come to terms with the feelings between his sister and his friend.

"How are you?" she managed to ask.

"I'm fine…" he said. "As fine as I could be during such circumstances. How are you?"

"They're not dead and you know it" she said, with very little emotion in her voice.

"No" he said. "They're not dead."

"He promised" Estella said, her voice breaking as the tears she had been holding back finally came.

"Who promised?"

"Merry! He promised he wouldn't leave! He lied to me!"

Fatty walked over and put his arm around her shoulder as she tried to fight back the tears that were falling down her cheeks.

"I don't think he wanted to" he said. "To lie, I mean. But he must have had no choice. You know him, he's not the kind who breaks promises."

"I used to think so."

"Estella…" Fatty said. "Listen to me now. There are things going on that you don't know about, things that I can't explain. Merry couldn't explain it either, and he couldn't let his secret slip. Too much depended on the secret being safe. So he had no choice but to lie to you. You may not see it now, but it was a good lie."

"Will he ever come back?" she asked.

"Of course!"

"Don't you start lying to me too!" she cried. "You're not as sure as you're trying to sound, I can tell!"

Fatty reached for a hankie in his pocket and handed it to her, taking a deep breath.

"The truth is, I don't know. He doesn't know. Nobody knows."

"Where has he gone?"

"He doesn't know that either. But I think he's gone to meet his fate! Whatever that may be. But this is not about him, this--" Fatty paused. He realised he had almost said too much. He didn't want to spill a single syllable about Frodo and his Quest to anyone, it was better kept a secret.

"It is about him…" Estella said. "I loved him."

"He's only been gone for a few days."

"You said it yourself, he may not return." She closed her eyes. "Why did he have to leave? Why didn't he even say goodbye?"

"Maybe he did."

Estella slowly let her fingers reach up and touch the lips Merry had kissed when last they had met. Had that been goodbye?

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Please review! I would love to hear your comments and opinions! Next part of "Each Passing Year" will be up next time I have Internet access, I promise :)


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